So, you look in the mirror, force a smile, and say three times:
“I am a calm and confident speaker. I am going to be amazing.”
Instantly, you feel calm and ready. Two hours later, you deliver your best presentation ever.
If only it worked like that…
Now, if positive affirmations do work for you, that’s fantastic — keep doing them. But if your inner critic immediately pipes up with, “Who are you kidding? You were a mess last time, and this will be no different,” then it’s time to try something else.
Why affirmations sometimes backfire
Dr Joanne Wood and her team at the University of Waterloo discovered something interesting about affirmations. Their 2009 study found that positive self-statements can actually make people with low self-esteem feel worse.
“Repeating positive self-statements may benefit certain people, such as individuals with high self-esteem, but backfire for the very people who need them the most.” — Journal of Psychological Science
If your affirmation clashes with your deeper beliefs — for instance, saying “I’m a confident speaker” when you feel anything but — your brain simply doesn’t buy it.
But that doesn’t mean self-talk doesn’t work. It’s one of the most powerful tools you have to manage nerves and build confidence — you just need the right kind.
Here are some alternatives that work far better than pretending you will be awesome.
Neutral self-talk
When I coach clients, I encourage them to notice unhelpful thoughts such as,
“Last time was a disaster. I’m going to freeze again.”
Then, we reframe those thoughts into something neutral and realistic, like:
“Last time didn’t go well, but I’m better prepared now. It’s reasonable to expect it will go better.”
This shift might sound subtle, but it can be highly effective.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) calls out the thinking traps that drive anxiety. One of the most common is catastrophising — assuming the worst possible outcome. Another is black-and-white thinking — telling yourself “I’m terrible at public speaking” or “I’ll never be good at this.”
You can replace those with more balanced statements:
“Public speaking isn’t easy for me yet, but I’m learning and improving.”
And then there is the negativity bias — our tendency to dwell on what went wrong and ignore or downplay what went right. Maybe you stumbled over a few words, but the rest of your talk was solid. Chances are, no one even noticed what you’re obsessing over.
Neutral, realistic self-talk will make you calmer and more grounded.
Counter your inner critic with your inner mentor
We all have that internal voice that warns, “Don’t do it. You’ll make a fool of yourself.” Tara Mohr calls this voice the inner critic in her book Playing Big. Its job is to keep you safe — but it overdoes it, especially when you’re stretching yourself.
Mohr encourages us to develop an inner mentor — a wiser, kinder voice that supports growth, instead of holding you back.
If your inner critic says,
“Cancel that talk. It’ll be a disaster”
Your inner mentor might respond,
“Thanks for your concern. I’m prepared, and this is an important step for me. I need to do this to rebuild my confidence.”
Notice this isn’t blind optimism. It’s reasonable reassurance. Sometimes your critic has a point — if you’re completely unprepared, maybe you should postpone. But your inner mentor can help you find a balanced perspective.
Affirm your values, not empty words
Amy Cuddy, author of Presence, recommends a different kind of self-affirmation — one that connects you to your core values rather than hollow slogans.
Instead of chanting, “I am confident,” reflect on what truly matters to you. Cuddy’s research showed that when people wrote about their personal values before a stressful speech, their stress hormones dropped significantly.
Try this before your next presentation:
- Write down a few values that matter most to you at work.
- Reflect on how you already live those values.
For example, if customer service is one of your values, recall a moment when you went above and beyond for a client. That memory reminds you that regardless of how your talk goes, you do good work. You’re capable and aligned with what matters — and that helps calm the anxiety storm.
Practice self-compassion
Here’s a simple idea – that can also be hard!
Dr Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as treating yourself with the same kindness you’d show a friend who’s struggling. If your best friend said, “I’m terrified of speaking,” you wouldn’t tell them, “Well, you’re hopeless.” You’d reassure them, remind them of their strengths, and help them prepare.
But when it’s you, the tone turns harsh.
Self-compassion isn’t about self-pity or trying to boost self-esteem by comparing yourself to others. It’s simply about acknowledging that you’re human — imperfect, learning, and deserving of patience.
Here’s how to practice it:
- Notice your critical self-talk.
- Soften it. For example:
“I’ve had some tough experiences with speaking, and that’s been hard. But beating myself up isn’t helping.”
- Reframe it kindly:
“I’m proud that I keep showing up. Improvement takes time, and I’m doing the work.”
You might not feel warmth right away, but as Neff says:
“The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.”
I’ve found self-compassion incredibly effective — even in the middle of the night when I wake up worrying. It quiets the inner critic better than any affirmation ever has.
Visualise success
OK, this isn’t technically self-talk, but it’s a close cousin.
Visualisation works because your brain doesn’t always distinguish between imagined and real experiences. When you mentally rehearse giving a confident presentation — walking to the front of the room, seeing the audience engaged, feeling calm and composed — you activate the same neural pathways as if you were actually doing it, and it becomes a positive memory.
Add emotion to the image — imagine how it feels when you’re doing well. That emotional layer makes the memory more powerful.
Just don’t confuse visualisation with wishful thinking. It works best alongside preparation and practice.
The takeaway
If affirmations make you roll your eyes — good news, you don’t need them.
Instead:
- Use neutral, realistic self-talk to challenge unhelpful thoughts.
- Let your inner mentor guide you with calm reason, not fear.
- Anchor yourself in your core values, not empty mantras.
- Speak to yourself with compassion, not criticism.
- And visualise the outcome you want to create.
These approaches don’t deny your fear — they help you manage it. They turn your inner dialogue from an enemy into an ally.
When your inner voice becomes calmer and kinder, speaking becomes easier — and even enjoyable!
