Body language expert Mark Bowden tells a memorable story in his book Winning Body Language. A man came to him, desperate for help because he broke out in hives every time he presented. He was understandably distressed and wanted the symptoms to stop.
Instead of trying to fix the hives or eliminate the fear, Bowden suggested something that felt counterintuitive. Stop fighting it. Accept the fear. Let it be there. As Bowden puts it, “In just about all cases of stage fright, battling the fear is never the answer.”
Anyone who has struggled with public speaking will recognise this immediately. Often, it is not the presentation itself that terrifies us. It is the fear of the fear. The shaking hands. The sweating. The quiver in your voice. And once you start worrying about those symptoms, panic can quickly follow.
When fear shows up, many people instinctively reach for one of two coping strategies. Unfortunately, both tend to make things worse.
Critical self-talk
You probably know this voice well.
“Everyone else looks fine. Why can’t you just pull yourself together?”
“You look ridiculous.”
“Stop being so weak.”
When you are already feeling vulnerable, this kind of self-talk can be crushing. Instead of helping, it reinforces the belief that something is wrong with you.
Forced positive thinking
At the other extreme, you might try to talk yourself out of the fear.
“You’ve got this. You’ll be great. Just calm down.”
Or you repeat affirmations like “I am calm and confident.”
Affirmations can help some people. But when your nervous system is already on high alert, forced positivity can feel impossible. Bowden points out that when we feel threatened, we are hard-wired to think pessimistically. So as soon as the anxiety spikes, the positive talk often collapses into self-criticism.
“It’s happening again.”
“I’m not OK.”
“This is going to go badly.”
So what can you do instead?
Before you present
Try a more neutral and realistic reframe.
“I get nervous when I speak, and I am doing it anyway. The worst that might happen is that people notice.”
This is honest. It removes judgment. And it takes away the pressure to pretend you feel calm when you do not.
While you are presenting
If you feel a wave of panic rising, see if you can let it pass through you rather than fighting it. Anxiety often intensifies when we resist it. But if you allow it to crest and fall, it usually begins to lose its grip.
Speaking while you feel nervous is not a failure. It is progress.
Start practising in environments designed to support you. Toastmasters is one of the safest places to do this because people genuinely want you to succeed. When it goes well, your confidence grows. When it does not go quite as planned, you gather valuable evidence that nothing catastrophic happened.
Fear-less courses and one-on-one coaching provide a high level of support for people with intense public speaking anxiety. You do not have to do this alone.
Acknowledge the fear – rather than trying to battle it. Then gently turn your attention back to what really matters – sharing something of value with your audience.
