Many years ago, I did a public speaking course through work. At the end of the course, we each gave a speech, which was filmed. We were given the video to review in our own time. I was really unhappy with my speech because at one point, I lost my way and hesitated for what felt like an eternity.
I dreaded watching that video because I was convinced my speech had been a disaster. In fact, I put it away for months and did not bring it out until a friend who had done the same course suggested we watch our videos together.
We watched hers first, and then came the moment I had been avoiding. I sat there cringing, waiting for the part where I made a fool of myself. But when it came, I could not believe it. It was hardly noticeable. Yes, I hesitated, but only briefly. I recovered quickly, and the mistake was barely perceptible.
I was so surprised and relieved, because the speech was so much better than I remembered. That realisation really helped me. My confidence grew after that. It was also a perfect example of the negativity bias. Most of us hang on tightly to the one thing we did badly and dismiss, downplay or forget everything that went well.
I see this all the time in other people.
Example one
I ran a corporate workshop once, and a woman approached me during the break. She told me about a time when she had been giving a presentation and then answered a question badly.
She said, “I can’t get over it. I keep replaying in my head what I said and what I should have said.” She told me the worst thing was that the woman who asked the question is a friend, and every time she sees her, she feels embarrassed all over again.
I asked how long ago this happened. Her response: “Two years”. Then she looked at me and said, “She’s probably forgotten, hasn’t she?” My response: “Of course she has. And you need to too!”
I also told this story in a course and had a participant point to himself and say, “10 years” – he had been beating himself up about something he said a decade ago.
Example two
A young artist joined my course because he had to do an artist talk at a gallery that was exhibiting his work. His first speech to the group was about how he became an artist. He spoke from the heart, and everyone loved it. He had a minor wobble about halfway through, but the rest of his speech was amazing.
The next day, he emailed me to tell me he would have to pull out of the course (and the artist talk). He felt his speech was a disaster.
I emailed him straight back and encouraged him to watch his video. About an hour later, I had another email: “Wow, that was so much better than I thought. My mistake was barely noticeable.”
He finished the course, did the gallery talk, and even did an interview on radio!
Example three
My last example comes from a little experiment I ran. I asked a group to watch a TED talk. It was a very good talk, but the speaker tripped over his words at one point. I asked half the group to focus on the speaker’s message and the other half on the speaker’s delivery.
At the end, I asked if anyone had noticed him trip up. No one had! This was not what I expected. I thought that the half focusing on delivery would have spotted it. But even they had not!
All of this points to something important. We scrutinise our own mistakes far more harshly than anyone else does. Your audience is not sitting there waiting for you to slip up. They are listening for something useful, meaningful or interesting. They are looking for value, not perfection. If you give them that, the wobble you are obsessing over will simply disappear into the background.
Written by Catherine Syme
