“Because we’re scared of being judged.”
While people will form some impression, you are almost certainly wrong about how much people are judging you — and how harshly.
Let’s unpack why:
Three reasons you’re probably overestimating how much people judge you
1. The Spotlight Effect
When we’re speaking, it feels like everyone is staring at us, analysing every word, every movement, every “um”. But in reality? They’re not.
Think about when you are in the audience. Are you studying the speaker’s every move? Probably not. You’re thinking about the content — or your mental to-do list, or what to have for dinner.
Yes, the audience will form a first impression, but after that, most of them are only half-focused. Disappointing if you crave engagement (few presentations are truly memorable) — but very comforting if you fear judgement.
Those little slip-ups you obsess over? Your audience doesn’t even notice them.
I once showed two groups the same short TED talk. One group was asked to focus on the speaker’s content and the other on delivery.
The second group commented on the speaker’s gestures, voice, and movement. The first group? They hadn’t noticed any of that. Even when the speaker tripped over his words, no one picked it up.
2. The Illusion of Transparency
The illusion of transparency is the belief that others can see exactly how we feel.
You think everyone can see your shaking hands or hear your heart pounding. But I promise you — they can’t.
After presentations, participants in my courses often say, “I was so nervous! My legs were shaking!” Then I ask the audience if they noticed. The answer is always no.
I regularly record people speaking so they can watch themselves later. Almost every single time, they’re surprised.
“I didn’t look nearly as nervous as I felt!”
That’s because what feels huge on the inside often looks completely normal on the outside.
3. Negativity Bias
Even when people are judging us, they’re judging the whole performance — not the one sentence we fluffed.
But our brains don’t work that way. We zoom in on what went wrong and replay it on a loop.
You might see one bored-looking person in the audience and assume everyone hated your talk. Or you forget a line and convince yourself you ruined the whole presentation.
Years ago, I did a speech at work where I fumbled halfway through. I was mortified — convinced I’d blown it. I avoided watching the recording for months.
When I finally did, I was shocked. The fumble was barely noticeable, and the speech was actually… good!
I’d tortured myself for no reason.
And I see this with clients all the time. One woman I coached told me about a situation two years earlier where she had answered a question badly. Two years later, she was still thinking about it — every time she saw the person who asked it!
When I asked if she thought that person remembered the incident, she admitted she probably didn’t. But she still couldn’t stop replaying it. That’s negativity bias at work.
We see ourselves through a distorted lens
We think everyone is paying close attention to us.
We think our nerves are visible.
We think our mistakes are catastrophic.
They’re not.
Most people are too busy thinking about themselves to give your every move a second thought.
How to see yourself more clearly
You can’t completely switch off these cognitive biases, but awareness helps. Next time you catch yourself thinking:
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“They looked bored.”
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“I must have looked so nervous.”
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“That answer was terrible.”
…pause and ask:
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Could I be distorting my perception?
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What evidence do I actually have?
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And even if I’m right — will anyone remember tomorrow?
A few practical tips:
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Watch yourself on video. Wait a few days, then watch twice — once with the sound off (we all hate the sound of our own voice!), and again with the sound on. You’ll almost certainly be pleasantly surprised.
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Ask for feedback — wisely. Choose someone who will be honest but kind. Prime them: “I’m working on improving my speaking — especially handling questions. Could you give me specific feedback on that?”
The best news of all
Here’s the truth — and it’s both humbling and freeing:
We just don’t matter to others as much as we think we do.
That might sound harsh, but it’s liberating.
No one cares if you stumble. No one notices your nerves. And if they do, they’ve forgotten by lunchtime.
Everyone in your audience is far more worried about how they come across than how you do.
Of course, you can become a great speaker who people listen to – but if you are being held back by worry about what people think of you, hopefully this article has reassured you!
